Bad Little Jimmie

last update: 23 August 02

 

 

LITTLE JIMMIE ON GETTING OLDER  (Coonass Kim, Louisiana)

Little Jimmie was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After watching Jimmie consume the 6th candy bar a man on the bench across from him said,  "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.

" Little Jimmie replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Jimmie answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

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3 x 2

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3’ and I said  6,” replies Johnny.

 "But that's right!"

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?’"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's exactly what I said!"

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Coaching (MBlack, Southside Place, Texas, USA)

At one point during a game, the coach called little Jimmy, one of his 7-year-old baseball players, aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass is it?''

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother!”

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Start Cussin’

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says to the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say ‘hell’ and you say ‘ass.’ OK!"

The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast.

"Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!”

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Pet Shop Girl (Amina, Rhoude el Bagaul, Algeria)

Little Jenny walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy black wabbit?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink my pyfon gives a fuck!"

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Daddy Longlegs (Terry T., Alabama)
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl
was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that shit in our garden."

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Multi-syllable

Little Jimmie goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.

Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Jimmie says: "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Jimmie says "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

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Five birds

A teacher asks her class "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on Johnny.

He replies "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."

"The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

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Swimming pool

The lifeguard at the public swimming pool approaches little Johnny.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool" said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard "but not from the diving board!"