Jim's Bad Jokes

last update: 31 August 02

Bump

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

 She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

 

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What’s yours?

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

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Stay Fresh

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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Pickle-slicer

Bill worked in pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle-slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle-slicer?"

“Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle-slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

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Turner Brown
A small meek man goes into elevator. When he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"

The tiny man faints!!

The big dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?".

The small white man says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".

The huge man looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small meek guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.’”

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Penis Dream (Soud, Oran, Algeria)

Becky woke up and told her husband, Sam, about her dream last night. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones as low as $10."

Sam asked, "What about one my size?"

To which Becky replied, "It didn't get a bid!"

Sam wanted revenge, so the next morning he told Becky about his dream. "I was at an auction for viginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."

Becky asked, "What about one like mine?"

To which Sam responded, "That's where they held the auction."

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Bad Parrot (Uncle Leo the Sparky, Houston)

n elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble. The pet storeowner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.

The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder, and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down, and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"

Everyone turned to look at her, and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot, explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood, so she put him on her shoulder, and went to church the following Sunday. Once again, just as everything got quiet, and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!"

And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution: "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder."

"That'll work?" asked the woman.

"Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church, and, sure enough, just as the sermon started the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!"

Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times, and placed him back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!"

A

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The Fur Coat  (Cliff the Aggie, Washington State)

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier in Beverly Hills.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!" replies the man.

"Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns to the store.

The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?!

There wasn't a cent in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

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Hair remover (MBlack, Southside Place, Texas, USA)

A friend of mine discovered that her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

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Recipe for Love (Souad, Oran, Algeria)
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Method:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl is moist.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in
and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak, (preferably not overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

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A Day Camping
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did she give you a blow job?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

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Boys night out (Biker Mike, Nova Scotia, Canada)

The other night I was invited out for a night with "The Boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight - promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way to easy. At around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times.

I was really proud of myself, having a quick and witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said  "Oh f**k," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.”

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Bull service (Brown Ale Bob, Newcastle, England)

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank.

The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at  the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased.  "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows."

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

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$10 million (Uncle Leo, Houston)

A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed him out of ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the underling, "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the $10 million is hidden.

The underling signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the underling's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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Duck says (Andy T., Cambodia)

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

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Pity  (Dale the sick Canadian in Dallas)

A man without arms or legs is sunbathing by the sea on a small rocky peninsula. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.

The first woman says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"

The man shakes his head no, and she leans down and gives him a big hug.

"Have you ever been kissed?" asks the second woman.  He shakes his head no, and she kisses him. 

Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been screwed?"

"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.

"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in!"

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At a Restaurant (Sagging Tray George, Dier Ez Zor, Syria)

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.  The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."

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Old dress (Gordon the Scotsman in Pakistan)

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work.

"That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night.  Should I go?"

"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and fuck you on the hardwood floor!"

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

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 Seeing eye-dog (Queen Anne, Baton Rouge, Louisiana)

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had Doberman pincher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The one with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pincher?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua figured 'what the heck', so she put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The one with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?!"

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Buggy repair (Kansas Kay)

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob,... something about the emergency brake."

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$500
Two couples were playing cards one evening when John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any underwear!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested.

She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2: 00 pm sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.

Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by he house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered,  "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,  "And did he give you $500?"

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied,  “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

 Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,  "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back. “

Chicken and an egg (Queen Annie, Baton Rouge)

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The  chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the  sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT  question. "
 

Horse and Chicken (Brother Randy, Chicago)

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.  The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.  The horse calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.  The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found, so he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.  The chicken then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!  A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. 

The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. 

The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" 

The horse stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." 

The chicken grabs the horse's 'thingy' and pulls himself to safety. 

The moral of the story:   If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick.

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Shipwrecked men  (Fruit Fun Al Toft, N, Vancouver, BC)

Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck.

Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal.

Each man will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next man in line will marry her and so on. All the men get sex every

five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different man each week.

The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies......

The first week after wasn't too bad.......
The second week was getting sort of bad.......
The third week was getting pretty bad.......
The fourth week was really bad......
The fifth week was horrible!......
By the sixth week it was unbearable.........

So they buried her!

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Its almost brilliant (Brown Ale Bob, Newcastle, England)
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday." Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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CIA assassin

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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Arthritis (MBlack, Southside Place, TX)

An old geezer in the old folks home took a fancy to an old lady who is also staying at the home. One day he gets enough courage to tell her he wants to make love to her. She agrees that when everyone else is gone on a day trip, they will stay behind and get to it. He goes to her room on the day and asks her how she likes it.

She says "I used to like it when a man went down on me".

He says he would love to and goes for it. After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says , "I'm sorry. I can't go on. It just smells rotten down there".

She says, "It must be my arthritis".

He looks at her and says, "Surely you can't get arthritis down there. And even if you could it wouldn't cause that horrible smell".

She says " No, my arthritis is in my shoulder. I can't wipe my ass.”

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Two Dwarfs (Linda Pat, Pearland, TX)

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."

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Green Horse (Black Hat, Houston)
Once upon a time, there was a very wealthy, but very shy, and very lonely, young man, who lived in the country.

It so happened that a bridle path went through his back yard. One day, a beautiful young girl rode her horse along the bridle path and through his yard. He fell in love with her on sight, but was too shy to follow her.

The next day, at the same time, the girl rode past again.

Again, the young man was too shy to pursue her. This went on for weeks, and the young man fell ever more deeply in love with her, and his frustration grew, and he cursed his shyness. He decided he must do something; but what?

It came to him in a flash; he would paint his horse green, and tie it up by the bridle path; surely the girl would notice this and ask him about it, and he could speak to her!

That morning, he painted his horse green, tied it up by the bridle path where the girl was sure to see it, and waited anxiously. Sure enough, she rode past; when she saw the horse, she stopped, and, eyes wide, said, "Oh! You have a green horse!"

The young man said, "Yeah, wanna fuck?"

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The cowboy (Coonass Kim in Freeport, TX)

A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. His boots must have been size 14s. The woman asks the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"

The cowboy says, "Sure is. Why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"

The woman figures why not and spends the night with him. The next morning she hands the cowboy a $100.00 bill. Blushing, he says, "I'm flattered. Nobody has ever paid me for my services before."

To this the woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

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Tax Time (MBlack, Southside Place, Texas)

A woman visits her tax preparer to get the paperwork done.

"What's your occupation?" he asked.

"I'm a hooker " she replied.

"That's not good for the return...how about something else?"

She thought a minute and replied, "Chicken farmer."

He asked how she came up with that and she answered, " I've raised over 5000 cocks last year."

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Black Panties (Andy T., Cambodia)

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties.

He in his birthday suit; looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."

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Second Opinion (Fruit Fun Toft, Vancouver)

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on
him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark". The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook
his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600.

The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is Outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..."

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Not Gettin' Any (Sandy P., Highland, Indiana)

There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each night she is disappointed.

Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties & bra.

As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al's first words are "Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom."

"YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This is the night, I'm gonna get some!"

When Louise reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace panties - ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says, "Right, now get your clothes off!"

Louise doesn't need telling twice, it's off with everything.

"Now get over in front of the mirror.."

"Kinky" she thinks "great!"

"and do a handstand..."

"Oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages," thinks Louise...

Al walks over to Louise parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch... "Perhaps the guys at the bar were right, a beard would suit me!"

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 Stuck on the Bathroom Floor (Wackozacko, Austin, TX)

A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands spread-legged on the bathroom floor. She tries to stand up but she has landed so hard her crotch has stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she can't move.

She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her but she won't budge. So he goes next door and gets his neighbor.

Both pull like oxen but she just won't move. She's truly stuck to the floor.

Suddenly the neighbor says, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the floor tiles around her and lift her up that way?"

"Great idea," says the husband, "but just let me rub her boobs a little to arouse her."

"Why?" asks the confused neighbor.

"So I can slide her into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there."

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Have you been drinking? (Black Hat, Houston)

A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.

The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"

"No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

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Not come to work (Mom)
Hung Chow: "Hey Boss, I not come work today, I really sick.  I got headache, stomach ache & my legs hurt, I not come work"

The boss says "When I feel like this I go to my wife & tell her to give me sex.  That makes me feel better & I can go to work.  You should try that".

Two hrs. later Hung Chow calls: "Boss, I do what you say & I feel great, I be at work soon.
You got nice house"!

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Three Ducks (Lonstar, Houston, TX)

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

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Survey sez . . .
In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other five per cent said they didn't care - they would have married him anyway!

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Chicken and the Egg (West U Pat, West University Place, Texas)
A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed. The chicken was nervously smoking a cigarette.

With a very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well.... I guess that answers THAT long asked question!"

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The Art of Consulting (L. "Pussyhair" Peterson, Houston)

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Harrison Consulting, Inc., experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.

"After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons pertable per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed. The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why all the waiters have a string hanging out of their fly's.

The waiter replied, "that consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of the penis, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

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