Jim's Bad Gender Bashing
last update: 01 September 02
Barbecuing is the only
type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' ,
the following chain of events are put into motion:
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a plate along with the necessary cooking utensils and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drink in hand.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
12. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Why oh why? (J Gammell, Austin, Texas)
Why do most women have pubic hair ?
To hide the hook !
Blow Job Etiquette by Gender (Terry T. in Kazakhstan, the Miss Manners of sex etiquette)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
A Man's thoughts on Fellatio AKA Rebuttal Etiquette
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.
Impound fee $75.00
-- But you know the job was done right!
The Private Diary of a Viagra Housewife (Dr Pam, Phoenix, AZ)
Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2 Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3 This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4 A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5 What absolute bliss!!
Day 6 Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7 This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended. Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8 I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9 No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10 Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whiskey! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over...
Day 11 I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12 I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Day 13 Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the jerk.
Day 14 I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15 I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.
Day 16 The jerk has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17 Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Damn.....Here he comes again!
Day 18 He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
Men vs. Women:
Round 1 (Sagging
Tray George, Denver)
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will
each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller, and none will
actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from
the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify
most of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a
man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a
A man never worries about the future until he gets a
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change
and she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and
get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and romances, best
friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no
use in two people remembering the same thing.
Man vs Women in the Shower (Biker Mike, Nova Scotia, Canada)
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way,
cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil.
Leave on hair for five minutes
your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off.
Shave armpits and legs.
Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off shower.
Apply after shower body oil.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel making a turban.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel turban on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No)
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for a washcloth... You don't use one.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
Fart in the shower & laugh at how loud and stinky it is.
Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt using your wife's aloe & lavender facial soap, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the bar.
Shampoo your hair.
Do not use conditioner.
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
Partially dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again.
Leave shower curtains open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to the bedroom naked drying off hair on the way.
If you pass your wife, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on the bed.
Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
They needed a study to prove this?
(Coonass Kim, Louisiana)
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ - depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features; and, if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass.
Bitch? (Uncle Randy, Chicago)
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says, "Tell me."
He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, . . . pussy and bitch."
"Oh that's no big deal . . . pussy is a cat like our little Mittens and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit Dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his father, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."
"Son, I told you never to go to Mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him . . . "pussy and bitch."
Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf and takes a black marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is a pussy."
"OK, Dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son," he informs, "EVERYTHING outside that circle."
Bill Gates (Injun Joe (Fountain Hills, Arizona
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft.
FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,
whom do you let in first?
The dog, of course, he'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
As Women grow Older (Terry T., Kazakhstan)
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center. It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
wisdom from the immortal
(Brown Ale Bob Hurst, Newcastle, England)
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
ANSWERING THE PHONE
Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak...loudly and clearly ... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You ... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is ... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender, and pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Once upon a time, a woman died and went to heaven. When she reached the Pearly Gates she was met by St. Peter. She said, "Am I in heaven?"
He said, "Yes, you are at the Pearly Gates."
"Do I get to come in?" asked the woman.
St. Peter said, "Yes, if you can spell a word."
She said, "Okay, I'll spell love."
She did and was allowed to enter.
A few minutes later, St. Peter approached her and said, "I have to leave for a minute. Would you watch the gate?"
She looked astonished and said, "You want me to watch the gate?"
St. Peter said, "Yes."
She asked, "What do I do if someone comes up?"
He replied, "Just what I did. Ask them to spell a word."
As she stood looking around at all the beautiful sights in heaven, she saw a man walking toward the gates. As he drew closer, the woman recognized him. It was her husband. She was shocked! He walked up to the gates.
"What happened?" the wife asked.
"Well," the husband replied, "I was so upset after your funeral that on the way home I had an accident and died. Am I in heaven?"
"You are at the Pearly Gates," she said.
"Do I get to come in?" he asked.
"Yes, but you have to spell a word," she said.
"What word?" he asked.
"Czechoslovakia," she replied.
The Perfect Breakfast ...(Uncle Leo Rowe, Houston)
Women's Answers to Pick-up Lines(Brown Ale Bob Hurst, Newcastle)
The following information was gained through much arduous research by Bad Jim's subscribers -- men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most often asked questions of women (i.e..relationships, sex and life in general).
All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.
Q:How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
Q:Should I have sex on the first date?
Q:What exactly happens during the act of sex?
Q:How long should the sex act last?
Q:What is "afterplay?"
Q:Does the size of the penis matter?
Q:What about the female orgasm?
Five kinds of sex
the Astro-Psychiatrist, Phoenix)
The first kind of sex is Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The second kind of sex is Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The third kind of sex is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex in your bedroom.
The fourth kind of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "F**k You".
The fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you can not stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone...
Men Baiting Q &A (L. Slate, Houston)
What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on
A: Shoot him again.
How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A: His body.
Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
A: Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A: To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Women Drivers (Dr Pam, Phoenix)
Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that dang makeup! It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my other ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!
DANG WOMEN DRIVERS!!!
Questions for God
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you."
A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, Your butt is as wide as the grill.
She ignores his remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Jeeze, honey, it IS as wide as the grill!"
She again ignores his remark.
Later that night, while in bed, husband starts to feel frisky. He rolls over to start something with his wife and she calmly rolls away from him saying, If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you're out of your mind!
Men Bashing(Nevada Jo, Las Vegas)
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
Men dream of being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them
Tips for Women
GENERAL DISCLAIMER FOR ANY WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS WHO HAPPEN UPON A COPY OF THIS: Honey, if you are reading this,
I was forced to read and/or write it against my will.
1.When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
2.When I say thank you after a blow job a simple "you're welcome" will suffice. I am not interested in kissing you.
3.If I am doing anything that involves directions, tools, or sharp objects do not interrupt me and never offer to help.
4.When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
5. Don't be upset that I didn't think the romantic movie was warm and fuzzy. I wasn't paying attention to the dialog, just the naked body parts and the sex scenes.
6.Do not ask me to do household chores in front of my friends. Even if I do not have to do them until some time in the future. And don't be negative when you give me more than one to do. I am proud of the fact that I did one and can easily ignore the other nine.
7.If you need help with the laundry I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
8.The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
9. If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
10. If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
11. Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
12. There is no such thing as too many CDs.
13. When I say she has a great set of tits or ass I am not thinking to myself "...as compared to yours...". so there is no point in starting an argument over it. I don't start with you over Brad Pitt or one of those other empty headed losers.
14. Buying tools is a god-given right. It does not matter if we need them or not. The same holds true for sporting goods.
15. I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
16. Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
17. Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
18. If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
19. Please do not distract me when I am reading in the bathroom. It only causes me to lose my place, have to re-read the section, and further extends my time in there.
20. Assume when we are in the video store that I am not interested in a romantic comedy. This will greatly expedite our time there.
21. Alcohol is one of the four food groups and as such should be consumed daily.
22. No good can ever come from discussing past relationships
23. I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
24. Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
25. PMS really stands for Powerless, Male, and Stupid. Fortunately this is only a temporary condition which I suffer one week out of every month.
Feel Like a Woman(Bill Mahoney ; Houston)
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand, and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"
She eagerly nods her head. "Yes!"
As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."
Wedding Dresses(Jim Maher, Houston, TX)
A fresh faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother With the following question: "Mom why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "This shows the town your bride is pure."
Thoughtful, the lad goes to his father and asks, "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at the son in surprise, "All domestic appliances are white."
Masculinity Test(Steve Moore, Houston)
1.In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2.You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared
a)Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss Sports Center
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
d) A homosexual
8. Foreplay is to sex as
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused. If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
Bitter men say the cutest things.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was nearly impossible.
A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all ... money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"Awww, my wife found out."
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
Bitter women say the cutest things.
Men are like coolers - Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like plungers - They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or in the bathroom.
Men are like chocolate bars - sweet, smooth, and they usually head straight for your hips.
Men are like coffee - The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you going all night long.
Men are like computers - Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like horoscopes - They always tell you what to do and usually they are wrong.
Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are all pigs.