JIM's BAD BATHROOM HUMOR
last update: 31 August 2002
How much is the rug? (Caramel Tart Eddaline, Stafford, Texas)
An attractive, well dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Ma'am, if you farted just touching it, you're Gonna shit when you hear the price!"
The Outhouse Poem (Biker Mike, Nova Scotia)
service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.
missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"
Fart Weight (Bony Ass Marieli’s brother Ruben in Venezuela)
“No,” she says, “they don't weight at all because they are made of gas and gas has no weight.”
And the kid says, "Well, then I shit my pants."
Fully equipped campground (Biker Mike of Nova Scotia)
A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode."
Once written down she still wasn't comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "Does your campground have its own "B.C.?"
When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of who suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply:
The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt, you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week.
Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it, especially on Thursday when there is organ accompaniment. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them.
Unfortunately, my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there.
I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground!
Small Talk (Pussyhair
I left Houston heading toward Dallas, when I decided to stop at a rest stop. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall:
"Hi, how are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway rest stops, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:
And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"
Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said:
"Well, just like you I'm driving north."
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."
An old man and his wife have gone to bed for the night. After laying in bed a few minutes, the old man farts and
says, "Touchdown!!! Seven points."
His wife rolls over and says, " What in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Fart Football."
A few minutes later the wife lets one rip and says, "Touchdown!!! Tie score."
After about five minutes the old man rips one again and says, "Touchdown!!! I'm ahead 14 - 7."
Not to be out done, the wife blasts another one and says, "Touchdown!!! Tie score."
Five seconds later she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field Goal!!! I Lead 17 - 14."
Now the pressure is really on and the old man refuses to get beat by a women so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he shits in the bed.
The wife looks at him and says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, Switch sides."
Gas Problems ( B. Mahoney; Houston)
A little old western lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nosecone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out-of-the-Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURG leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Red Riding Hood (Jo in Nevada)
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf", taunts Red.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams: "WILL YOU FUCK OFF, can't you see I'm trying to take a shit!"
Ghost Poopie:The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie:The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie:The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put a piece of toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so it won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Poopie: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Drinker Poopie: The kind of poopie you have after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn Poopie: Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie: That's where it hurts so badly coming out that you swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast your butt cheeks are splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie: The kind where the yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl (and sometimes the seat).
Chemical Plant Poopie (aka Garbage Dump): It smells so bad that your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie: The kind that doesn't smell.
The Surprise Poopie: You're not even at the toilet at all because you're sure you're about to fart, but ooops! . . . a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie: The poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you're done poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
Blue Flames Poopie (aka Come O-o-o-o-on Ice Cream! Poopie): The poopie that occurs several hours after eating Thai peppers or Chinese mustard.
Virtual Reality Poopie: When your 2-year-old takes a poopie while sitting on the potty chair in diapers.
The Neighbor's German Shepherd Poopie: The poopie you smell before noticing it on the bottom of your shoe (after walking throughout the newly carpeted church sanctuary then riding home in your boss's new Cadillac).
The Drunk Man
A drunken patron asks the bartender for directions to the bathroom. The barkeep tells him to go down the hall to the right. The Drunk heads for the bathroom. After a few minutes everyone at the bar is bewildered by a loud scream coming from the men's room.. A few more minutes pass and another loud scream is heard. This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away!"
"I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket!"
Charlie Brown saw Lucy skipping down the sidewalk one sunny day. "Hey Lucy, can I get in your pants?" Charlie asked innocently .
Lucy gave Charlie a disgusted look then punched him in the nose, knocking him to the ground.
"Hey Lucy, why'd ya want to do that?" Charlie responded while squeezing his bloody nose.
"Charlie Brown, why do you want to get into my pants?" Lucy exclaimed.
"Cause I shit in mine!"
Fertilizer Club(Trojan Girl Sandy in Valpo, Indiana)
This is being sent to you because we know you are critically interested in
your front lawn, and this summer season will soon be upon us. This is a
fertilizer club and will not cost you a cent to join. Upon receipt of this
letter, go to the address at the top of this list and shit on their front lawn.
You won't be the only one there, so don't be embarrassed. Then make five of this
letter and send it to five of your friends who appreciate good lawns. You will
not get any money or checks, but within one week if this chain is not broken,
there will be 9,216 people shitting on your front lawn Your reward will come
next summer when you will have the greenest lawn in your neighborhood.
Mrs. Lucy Bowel
19 Bedpan Cover
Wemouth, Mass .
Mrs. Charles Syringe
109 Suppository Drive
Mrs. Smelly B. Hind
416 Diarrhea Way
Kansas City, Missouri
Mrs.O Howie Farts
896 Rectum Road
Mrs. A. Bigger Movement
276 Fertilizer Way
If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbors.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN
One man didn't give a shit and lost his entire lawn.
It seems that a man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed.
"Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
"Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."