Jim's Bad Ethnic Humor

 

 

Last Update: 31 October 02

 

Italian Honeymoon (Trojan Sandy, Indiana)

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride,Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi, How was a da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everything was a perfect except for da train a ride down."

What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautiful Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a "forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket.

The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, "No eat in dese'a car. Musta use a dining car."

So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga lunch and begin to open a bottle of vino! Conductor walk by me again, wag his a finger and say, "No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car, so we go to club'a car."

While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, "No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car." We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.

Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he walk'a through car corridor shouting at top of his voice, "NO'FOLK'A, VIRGINIIA! NO'FOLK'A VIRGINIA!

"Next'a time, Imadriva down"

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Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks (Evil Valerie, Houston)

GENERAL
* Never take a beer to a job interview.
* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
* If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
* Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
* When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
* If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOUSE
* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners
are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
* Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (outside the family)
* Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
* Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
* Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
* Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
* Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
* For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and
a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
* Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded,
and the deer is in sight.
* When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
* Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
* Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

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Is that Jesus? (Black Hat, Houston, Texas)

An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of
coffee.

The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee, too.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot
tea, too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thing, hows' about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!"

He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the
strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the
door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your
kindness you are healed." The English man felt his back straightening up and raised up his hands and praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumps up and yells,
"Hey man, don't touch me ... I'm drawin' disability!"

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Scratch off (Injun Joe, Fountain Hills, Arizona)

Did you hear about the new scratch-off game in India?

If the dot matches the one on your forehead you win a convenience store in the US.

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Paddy and Murphy on Holiday (Owen Ward, Wales)

Paddy and Murphy go on Holiday to Thailand. They arrive at the Hotel Bangkok and Paddy asked the doorman, “Where do all the girls hang out?”

The doorman was surprised with the question but he replied, “Wollll, you go state down therrrrrrr, turn left then right. You see biggg light. You go down stairs, many, many, many, everythinggg you want.”

Well Murphy thought that wasn’t hard, this lingo is easier than I thought. So off the go to the big light and the down stairs they go. They walk in this massive bar, a little dark though, but no problem.

Paddy was gagging for it, “Hey Murphy them two will do, be-jesus they’ve just walked through the door Paddy.”

“Them over there Murph?”

“Ok Paddy, they looking fuckin OK, let’s go get’em.”

So Paddy and Murphy get the two girls, Little do they know, yes, you guessed it, lady boys. Anyway back to the rooms they go, Paddy takes his to the back bedroom and Murphy’s got his in the front bedroom.

"Hey Murphy!"

“Yes Paddy.”

" I think she is saying it’s the wrong time of the month and it’s half price.”

“O for fucks sake Paddy,  it’s just our fuckin’ luck we pick up fuckin’ twins.”

"How do you know that Murphy"

“She’s looks they same and she just said the same fuckin’ thing.”

"What should we do now Murphy?"

“Ahh, fuck it Paddy, up the arse I will go."

"O fuckin’ good Idea Murphy and its cheaper.”

About ten minutes go by, and Paddy and Murphy are going hell for leather up the arse pounding away. Paddy puts his hand around the front to get a hold of her pussy and gets a hold of meat and two vegs.

Paddy screams out with a tear in his eye,  “Murphy!”

"Murphy!"

"Murphy!"

“What’s up Paddy?”

"Murphy, I think I’ve gone straight through!"

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Q and A (Judy M, Houston)

How do you kill an Italian?

Smash his head with the toilet seat when he gets a drink

If Tarzan and Jane were Italian what would Cheetah be?

The least hairy of the 3

Why do Italian men have mustaches?

So they can look like their mothers

What do you call a dozen Greek women in a sauna?

Gorillas in the mist

Why do Scotsmen wear skirts?

Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away

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Cajun Fisherman (Coonass Kim, Louisiana, USA)

Two Cajun commercial fishermen, Boudreaux & Thibodeaux, went out in the Gulf fishing. They were gone a couple of months. On their return, they noticed a Taco Bell had been built while they were away.

Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and says "Look at dat, we not gone no time and dem Mexicans done come over here and built a telephone company."

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Giorgio’s new shoes (Chicago Al)

Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months. He walks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?"

He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says, "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmella smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."

Giorgio gasps and says ...."Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes!"

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Irish Wedding (Brown Ale Bob of Newcastle)

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the courtroom until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says "OK."

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song. When all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates.”

The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers."

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YOU GOTTA LOVE INDIANA WOMEN! (Trojan Sandy, Indiana)
A woman from Indiana and another from the East coast were seated side by side on an airplane.

The woman from Indiana , being friendly and all, said: "So, where are you from?"

The East coast woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The woman from Indiana sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where are you from, bitch?"

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I am Canadian (Dale the Canadian in Dallas)

So, what do Canadians have to be proud of ?

1.Smarties, Crispy Crunch and Coffee Crisp Chocolate Bars.

2. Basketball, Hockey, Baseball, Lacrosse, and Apple Pie all began in Canada.

3. Tim Horton's kicks Dunkin' Donuts butt !

4. The War of 1812, was started by America, when they invaded. Canadians pushed Americans back ......... past their " White House"  Then we burned it and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and drunk all the time.  We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied ......Go figure !!

5. Canada has the largest French population in the world that never surrendered to Germany.

6. We have the largest English population that has never ever surrendered.

7. The Hudson Bay Co. once owned over 10 % of the landmass on earth and is the oldest company still around.

8. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full-grown man in less than 3 minutes.

9. We still know what to do with all the parts of a Buffalo.

10.We invented Ski-doos, Jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, Zambonis, The Telephone and short wave Radios.

11. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

12. The handles on CANADIAN beer boxes are big enough to fit your

hand in ...... with mitts on !

OOOOooooohhhhhhh Canada....

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Polish Sausage (Al Toft, N.Vancouver, BC)

A guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage. "

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish? "

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you, if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? ?"

"Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? "Or if I had asked for taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya? ? "

The clerk says, "Well, no. "

With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage? ? ? ? "

The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store. "

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Irish Toast (The Drum Father, Virginia)
John O'Reilly was a member of an Irish Toastmasters club. One evening at the local Toastmasters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Reilly won the contest for the best toast of evening, "Here's to the best years of my life, spent between the legs of my wife."

When John arrived home his wife asked him how the meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the night."

His wife asked him what the toast was and he said, "Here's to the best years of my life spent in Church with my wife."

His wife said, "Why John that was so nice of you to include me in your toast."

The next morning Mrs. O'Reilly was downtown shopping when she ran into the local policeman who was also at the Toastmasters meeting with her husband.

He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Reilly that was some great toast that your husband gave at the Toastmasters club last evening. He won first prize."

"Yes that's right" said Mrs. O'Reilly "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts. He's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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Horny Maine Farmer (Rockin’ Dave, New York City)

In late spring, a fairly regular number of working girls from the fishing towns of the Canadian Maritime Provinces make their way south into Northern Maine to make some easy American money and to spread some well oiled flesh on a bounty crop of horny Maine farmers with potato seed money in their pockets.  Annabell had met Bert Perkins a few years back, but since his wife choked on a cocktail napkin and died at the Madawaska American Legion Hall last fall, she was
certainly ready to look him up this spring.  Now the going rate in Northern Maine hasn't changed in years and nobody expects it ever will, unless Canada goes to war with someone half sober.  Anyway, the rate is always fixed price, $100, five hours, no questions asked. 

Annabell sure looked good to Bert when he saw her coming up the steps of his farmhouse.  He poured her a glass of beer, washed his hands, changed his shirt and started going right after her in the wildest way.  All of a sudden with his pants half off, and hers spread around the parlor, he stops dead in his tracks, tells Annabell to wait and runs out to the barn.  Now for those of you farmers that are not from Maine, the barn is always attached to the kitchen and so Annabell could peer through the crack in the door to see Bert and a certain young cow's licking tounge and golly wash lookee here he's commencing to shoot a wad right then and there on that big
flicking cow tounge. 

Annabell rushes back to the parlor followed closely by Bert just as wild and horny as before but this time he's getting right down to business with Annabell and on and on it goes hour after hour until right as the clock is striking 4 hours and 59 minutes, WOOOOOM Bert lets go of the biggest
wad right into home plate and he and Annabell collapse and fall into a heap of totally exhausted human refuse. 

After a brief nap, Annabell wakes Bert up, gets his clothes back around him.  "Bert" she says, "what were you doing out there in the barn before?"

Bert looked at Annabell realizing she had probably seen what had happened. "Annabell I know your a big girl and see a lot of things around here, but jeezum for a $100 I hope you didn't expect to get the easy one?"


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Chinese Detective

A man  suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese  detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone.  A  few days later, he received this report:
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE.
I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE. I  WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE, I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN  HOTEL.  I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE.  SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE.  SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH  SHE.  SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME.  I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.

NO FEE,
CHEN LEE


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Flowers (R.Schram, Austin, Texas)

Two Aggie women are having lunch at one's house when flowers are delivered.

"Oh, those are so beautiful, " the friend replies.

"Yeah, but this means I'll be spending the weekend on my back with my feet up in the air."

The friend replies," Well, if it was me, I'd just use a vase."

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Junior League (Major Gammell; Houston)

Why don't members of the Junior League participate in group sex?

--They hate having to write all those "thank you" notes.

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Arkansas Bar (Big Boy Al, Dallas)

A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.

The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "

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You know you're White Trash if....

• Your wife's hair attracts bees.
• Your kid's birth announcements include the phrase "rug rat."
• Your mom's ever been arrested for poaching.
• Your sister has a "Soldier of Fortune" subscription.
• Your grandmother has ever been evicted from a bingo game for foul language.
• You get odor Eaters for Christmas.
• You've got "ammo" on Your Christmas list under the word "Mom."
• You've got a trash bag as a passenger side window.
• You've ever stabbed someone's hand while reaching for the last pork chop.
• You've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
• You've ever left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.
• Santa won't let Your kids sit on his lap.
• You have a tattoo that says "Mother" and it's spelled wrong.

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There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Albanian men and 1 Albanian woman
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
* The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
* The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".
* The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
* The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
* The Albanian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
* The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own
and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.

* The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any.....

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Penis Study
In 1991, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, Germany decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 3 weeks and a cost of around $75.47, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

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SEX WITH THE DEAD
A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman. "How do you plead?" asked the judge. "Guilty or not guilty."

"Not guilty," replied the man.

"On what grounds?" queried the judge.

"I didn't think she was dead....I thought she was an American."

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Greatest Person Who Ever Lived? (Nevada Jo; Las Vegas)
When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothers him.

One day the teacher asks the class, "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a $20 bill in the air and said, "whomever gives the best answer will get this $20."

All of the kids called out their guesses.

One said, "George Washington - because he was the father of our country."

"That's excellent!" said the teacher.

Another said: "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."

"That's also good," said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.

One little girl said, "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."

Another excellent choice said the teacher.

Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand. So the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"

"Jesus Christ."

The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said. "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the $20." And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.

At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham why he said Jesus.

"Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business is business!"

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Newfie buys a bird
Two Newfies walk into a pet shop. They go directly over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."

The clerk puts the budgies in a bag, and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up on a hill, and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.

He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, before he hits the rocks below with a 'SPLAT!'. As Paddy looks down he shakes his head and says, "Dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me! ."


PART TWO ==========
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying a 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another 'SPLAT!' and his remains join Gerry's at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider."


PART THREE ==========
A few minutes after Seamus has gone splat, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop, and he walks up carrying the now familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "First der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin' hen glidin..."

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Canadian Tourist visits a brothel (Fruit Fun Toft, N.Vancouver, BC)

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist, visits the red light district of Oklahoma City and enters a large brothel. It's only his second time in Oklahoma.

The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady over to entertain the prospective client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the Madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" and walks quickly away!

The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do! Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn't done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" louder than the previous two smacks him as hard as she can and runs away!

Madam is by now, absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She asks, "What did you want to do, to make them run away like that?"

Bob said: "I just asked if I can pay in Canadian Dollars."

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