Jim's Bad Geriatrics

06 May 02

Medical Check-up
A 60ish old woman went to her doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her  she needed more activity and recommended sex...'three' times a week.

She asked the doctor to "please, tell my husband".

The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells her husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week.

The 77 year old man replies: "Which days"?

The doctor says: "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday"?

The husband says, "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays I play golf, so she'll have to take the bus.......
 

Three sisters (Big Boy Al, Dallas)
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96  year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in, pauses, and yells down the  stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts  up the steps and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. Shaking her head she says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful," and knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come  up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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The Scotch Drinker  (Sagging Tray George H., Montana)
An attractive older woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today!."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you for your kindness.

Mr. Bartender, I'll have a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," says the bartender.
As she finishes her second drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Comin' right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink the bartender says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The woman replies, "Kid, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole different issue.

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Moped vs Ferrari (J. Gammell, Austin, TX)

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man.

"Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the dude decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped!

Amazed that a moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas
pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your... side-view mirror.

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Feat of strength (J. Gammell, Austin, TX)
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that other building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Get in."

Grandfather's story (Dr Pam, Phoenix)
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but his wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said, " You used to hold my hand when we were courting"

Wearily he reached across held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

He answered, "To get my teeth."

 

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Jumping on the Bed

This 65-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"

She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65-year-old ass?"

She says, "Well, your name never came up."

 

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Ammunition
(West U Pat; West University Place, Texas)

An 80-year-old couple decided they wanted to have one more child. The wife suggested they should discuss this with her doctor, so they visited with her doctor the next day.

Her doctor first suggested that the man have a sperm-count check to see if he had enough "ammunition". She gave the old man a jar and said, "Take this in that room and provide me with a sperm specimen."

After 30 minutes of grunting, groaning, and screaming behind the door, the old man appeared, obviously disheveled. "Doctor, can I bring my wife in with me?" he asked.

"Sure, whatever helps!"

The old man's wife entered the room with him, and closed the door. Sure enough; another 30 minutes of grunting, groaning and screaming ensued. Then the couple opened the door and stepped out of the room, sweat beading on their foreheads, their clothes wrinkled and obviously frustrated. The old man handed the jar to the doctor.

The doctor took one look at the jar and exclaimed, "The jar is empty! Didn't you have any luck?"

The old man replied, "Doctor, I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right, I tried with both hands. My wife tried with her left hand, she tried with her right, she tried with both hands. She tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out. We just couldn't get that damned lid off the jar!"

 

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Watch us (Freon Judy, Houston, TX)

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

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WILL I BE LIKE THIS SOMEDAY? (Andy T., Cambodia)

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car and both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went though a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. And again, they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shit, am I driving?

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