Jim's Bad Law[IMAGE]


last update: 17 October 2002

Tried that

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop says, "You're in Texas, boy. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car!"

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the
guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on
the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the night stick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"


Donít mess with her (MBlack, Southside Place, Texas)

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking lady sitting on a stool.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw
anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."

He says, "No kidding, what law firm do you work for?"


Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce and Mickey retains a lawyer to speak for him in court. The big day arrives and Mickey's lawyer rises to address the Judge: "Your honour, Mr. Mouse is seeking a divorce from his wife Minnie on the grounds that she is a very stupid mouse."

Whereupon Mickey jumps up and shouts out: "Your honour I seek leave to confer with my counsel!"

The lawyer comes over to Mickey, very angry. He whispers: "What's wrong, I only just started?"

Mickey whispers back to him: "I didn't tell you she was very stupid, I told you she was fucking Goofy..."


On the highway of life . . .  (Warren Hancock, Houston)
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck," said the truck driver.

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road, and instinctively swerved to hit him. But then he remembered that there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute, he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".

Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"


Hear about?
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo jet full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour until his demands were met.

Resent That?
A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."

Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."

The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."


Female Law Partner
A large law firm was going to add a female associate to the partners table. They decided to have a test. They gave three female associates an extra $1500.00 in their pay envelope to see what would happen. The first female lawyer was surprised to find the money and thought it was a test of her honesty and promptly gave it back.

The second attorney thought they will never miss it and kept the money and said nothing.

The third woman invested the money to prove she was smart and tripled the money in two weeks ... she gave the $1500.00 back with a bit of interest and kept the difference.

Which one got the partnership? . . . The one with the BIG tits!, of course.


Pope & Lawyer go to Heaven
The Pope and a criminal defense lawyer died at the same instant; thus, they arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the
day in orientation, then were fitted for their heavenly vestments. The Pope was issued a plain white toga and wings, standard issue; however,
the lawyer was given much finer apparel made of gold thread; special
high-tech, light-weight wings and Gucci shoes.

The Pope and the lawyer were then escorted to their new eternal
residences. The Pope was shown to a replica Holiday Inn room, and the
lawyer an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope received the standard meal, a Manischewitz
kosher TV dinner; the lawyer, a fine and tasty French-cuisine meal,
served on silver platters.

By this time the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been
made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind
of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets.
I was just a criminal defense lawyer who spend my life getting bad guys
off the hook, and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

"No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever seen."


Mexican Bandit
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

The bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the
Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"


Fence Between Heaven & Hell
It turns out that Heaven isn't above Hell, but rather, Heaven and Hell share the same plane and are separated only by a long wooden fence.

One day, the Devil decides to throw this huge bash. Lots of bands performed with some of the biggest names, and the Damned start having a
heck of a party. Toward the end of festivities, a big fireball fight breaks out and, sure enough, one lands on the fence and burns it down.

God complains to the Devil and insists that the Devil rebuild the fence.

The Devil says, "Sure, no problem. I've got all the union leaders over here as well as most of the building contractors."

So, the fence is rebuilt, but it's three feet to one side so that Hell has taken over three feet of Heaven. God is MAD.

"If you don't move that fence back," yells God, "I'm gonna sue you!"

"Yeah, right," says the Devil. "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?"


Q & A

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb....

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three; one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: A girl named Chelsea.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners or an anvil.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing; there are some things even a pig won't do.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

A: They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.


Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.


Q: How does an attorney sleep?

A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. 


Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford? 


If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?


Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?

A: Sue.


Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

A: Skeet.


Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

A: Your Honor.


Q: What does a lawyer use for birth-control?

A: His personality.


Q: What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

A: Removable wingtips.


Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?

A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.