last update: 31 August 2002
"Top 20 Ways To Tell Someone 'Your Fly Is Open'"
(Biker Mike, Nova Scota)
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see yer nuts. !"
Your Daily Moment of Zen
Modified to reflect contemporary wisdom (Coonass Kim, Louisiana, USA)
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper thatís the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you f--t.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, youíre a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse.
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed. !"
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
(Carmel Tart Eddaline, Stafford, Texas, USA)
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.
Subject: Bumper Stickers for Ladies:
∑ So many men, so few who can afford me.
∑ Coffee, chocolate, men ... Some things are just better rich.
∑ Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.
∑ I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
∑ Warning I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
∑ Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
∑ Do not start with me. You will not win.
∑ All stressed out and no one to choke.
∑ How can I miss you if you won't go away?
∑ Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
25 things that would happen if men truly ran the world....
(Surly Boy, Atlanta)
1.Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2.Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3.Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.
4.On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5.St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it
would be celebrated every month.
6.Garbage would take itself out.
7.Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8.The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9.Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10.Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11.Two words..."Ally McNaked".
12.When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13.People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14.Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15.Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16.Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17.It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
18.Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
19.When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
20.Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
21.The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
22."Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
23.At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
24.Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
25.Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY....
("Whiner" Smiley, Michigan)
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask, "Do you want fries with that?"
4) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
7) Don't use any punctuation
8) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
9) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
10) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
11) Sing along at the opera.
12) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
13) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
14) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
15) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
16) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!" "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
17) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
18) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
Home Protection Advice
(Neveda Jo, Las Vegas)
- When going on vacation, be sure to leave the oven on. This will fool people into thinking you are home.
- When a suspicious stranger knocks at your door, reply in a falsetto voice, "Ain't nobody here but us chickens."
- Leave a glass of milk and plate of cookies on kitchen table with a note reading "For burglars." Poison the cookies.
- The best way to prevent burglary is to avoid keeping valuables lying around. Leave your six-bedroom mansion unfurnished, then shower, sleep and change clothes at the YMCA only.
- Surround your house with an impenetrable labyrinth of enchanted briars.
- Make your home unappealing to burglars by smearing windows and doors with your own feces.
If a stranger rings your doorbell, only talk to him if you have a handgun jammed down his throat.
- Keep several cauldrons of boiling lead or tar on your ramparts at all times. Don't hesitate to use them if pagans begin attacking your fortress door with their ramrod.
- Before going to bed, spread broken glass on your floors. Use a ratio of one pound for every five square feet, and leave yourself a path to the bathroom.
- Rig your home with an electronic timer to randomly switch lights on and off every 15 seconds.
- Place a large, highly visible "No Radio" sign in the front window of your home.
- Kids should never tell a stranger who calls that they are home alone. Have them say, ..... "Mom and Dad are too busy fucking to come to the phone."
- If you accidentally shoot a neighbor you mistake for a burglar, drag him inside and get his prints on a steak knife.
- Keep your wife's expensive jewelry hidden deep within her anal column.
- A handgun is of no use unless it is easily accessible in an emergency. Make sure your spouse and children know where it is at all times.
- Protect your prized "Precious Moments" figurines with an elaborate network of lasers.
- Pile valuables in center of living-room floor. Sit on pile holding double-barreled shotgun. Do not sleep.
- If you spot a minority in your gated community who is not holding a leafblower or other lawn-care device, call your local police immediately.
Retarded Family Feud
(Andy T., Cambodia)
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels
Ways to Really Annoy People
(Steve "I get more ass than a toilet seat" Moore; Houston)
1.Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2.In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3.If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with the pointed end of a knitting needle while talking to others.
4. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
5. Push all the flat lego pieces together tightly.
6. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
7. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.
8. Stomp on little ketchup packets at a formal dinner party.
9. Sniffle incessantly.
10. Leave your turn signal on for 50 miles.
11. Insist on keeping your windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think!"
13. Claim that you must always wear a plastic bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
14. Forget the punchline to a really long joke, but assure the listeners that it was a "real hoot."
15. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
16. Practice making Fax and modem noises in the cafeteria during lunch.
17. Highlight irrelevant information in technical papers and copy them to your boss.
18. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
19. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
20. Finish all your sentences with the words, "in accordance with prophesy."
21. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
22. Signal that a conversation is over by suddenly clamping your hands over your ears.
23. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every move in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
24. Holler random numbers when someone is counting.
25. Fart loudly and often during an opera performance. In a stage whisper shout: "Ohhhhh yeahhhh," after each eruption.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate -- come in handy. (Bill M.; Houston)
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon -- one prick, all gone.
Levels of Stupidity
1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3. Dumber than a box of hair.
4. He's a few peas short of a casserole.
5. The wheel's spinning, but his hamster's died.
6. One Fruit Loop shy of a bowl.
7. One taco short of a combo.
8. A few feathers short of a duster.
9. All foam, no beer.
10. The cheese slid off his cracker.
11. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
12. He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.
13. His smarter brother's a garden tool.
14. His chimney's clogged.
15. He doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
16. Elevator doesn't go to the top floor.
17. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
18. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
19. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. (HstnFitter; Houston)
20. No grain in the silo. (HstnFitter, Houston)
21. A couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.(Ironworker Mike, Houston)
22. He's got a potato in his tailpipe. (Ironworker Mike, Houston)
Situations you may find yourself in, and the orgasms you may encounter...
Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) - more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms.
Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that:
(Andy Tucker, Georgia)
electricians can be delighted
dry cleaners depressed
laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!
bedmakers will be debunked
baseball players will be debased
landscapers will be deflowered
bulldozer operators will be degraded
organ donors will be delivered
software engineers will be detested
the BVD company will be debriefed
musical composers will eventually decompose
On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.
Fun Things to do When Driving
(Dr Deho; Southside Place, Texas)
1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a
look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it
looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your
window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
Things you should NOT say to an attractive, older woman at the bar:
(G. Gaynor McTigue)
* "Can I buy you a Metamusil?"
* "My, what an interesting network of character lines!"
* "Do you come here with any irregularity?"
* "Pardon me, but could you spare a Depends?"
* "Excuse me, I couldn't help admiring your teeth. Are they yours?"
* "So, what was it like before television?"
* "Gum me, baby.
WHY, CHARLIE BROWN, WHY?"
(Zack Harper, Southside Place, Texas)
A few years ago, Charlie Brown and the "Peanuts" gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special titled, "WHY, CHARLIE BROWN, WHY?"
Recently, MetLife has put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the "Peanuts" gang dealing with such issues as the loss of a loved one, writing a will, and dealing with a permanent disability. Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues, how about some "Peanuts" specials for the kids of the '90s?
We could learn about V.D. in, "IT BURNS WHEN I URINATE, CHARLIE BROWN."
Chuck and the Little Red-Headed Girl find out about unwanted pregnancyin, "DAMN STRAIGHT IT'S YOUR BABY, CHARLIE BROWN!"
Is Linus gay? Find out in, "IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN."
See how the "Peanuts" gang deals with date rape in, "NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"
Discover a uncle's forbidden love in, "IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN."
What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego, "Mr. Clean" in, "GOD CALLED THE TRAILER PARK AND TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN."
Snoopy deals with his shortcomings after being neutered in "WHY DID YOU CUT MY BALLS OFF, CHARLIE BROWN?"
Jim adds a few of his own: Lucy pulls the football away one last time in, "THERE'S A LOADED SATURDAY
NIGHT SPECIAL IN DAD'S NIGHTSTAND, CHARLIE BROWN."
... and Peppermint Patty deals with learning disabilities in, "PATTY'S NOT AS DUMB AS YOU NOW THAT SHE TAKES RIDLIN, CHARLIE BROWN."
Lucy pulls the football away one last time in, "THERE'S A LOADED SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL IN DAD'S NIGHTSTAND, CHARLIE BROWN."