Jim's Bad Medicine

last update: 17 October 2002

Diet Opitions (Queen Eddaline, Stafford, Texas)

In Japan, the fat intake in the average Japanese diet is very low, and the heart disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.

However, in France, the average fat intake is very high, and yet, the heart disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.

In India almost no one drinks red wine, and the heart disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.

In Spain, everybody drinks too much red wine, and the heart disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.

In Algeria, the average sexual activity ratio is very low, and the heart disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.

In Brazil, everybody has sex like crazy, and the heart disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.

Conclusion: Drink, eat and screw all you want. It's speaking English that kills you.

 

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Promise not to laugh (Gordon the Scotsman)

A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.

Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," He says.

 

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Your Husband’s been in an accident (Darin, Austin, TX, USA)

Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible car accident. She rushes to the hospital, where she meets with Dr. Smith.

"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes, sir, what's happened? How is my husband?"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine."

"Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones. "What's his prognosis?"

"Well, Mrs. Jones, his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him."

Mrs. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and of course the diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues, "And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder and says, "Hey, I'm just fucking with you... he's dead."

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Coma cure

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.

From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked!”

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DOCTOR CONTROL  (Coonass Kim, Louisiana, USA)

Number of physicians in the US: 700,000

Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.

Accidental deaths per physician: 0.171 (U.S. Dept. of Health)

Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.

Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups): 1,500.

 Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188

 Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

 Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

 As a Public Health Measure, the statistics on Lawyers were withheld for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical Help.

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Blonde patient (MBlack, Southside Place, Texas)

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake so he examined her. "You'll be fine, " he said.

"How long will it be before I'm able to have a normal sex life again?" she asked.

He paused and that alarmed her.

"What's the matter Doctor? I'll be all right won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. Nobody ever asked that after having their tonsils out."

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Castration (Marieli, Uruguay)
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very
slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"

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Important news item (Rockin’ Dave in New York)
Rivals to Viagra get ready to offer stiff competition Vardenafil, a new treatment for impotence being developed by Bayer, has been found to work whatever the underlying cause of a patient's impotence - including depression... Clinical trials are planned for heavy drinkers after closing time.

Female volunteers are needed.

Some experience necessary. !"

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Proctologist (Trojan Sandy, Indiana)
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

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24 hours to live (Linda Pat the Mad Hungarian Nutritionist, Houston)

John returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, “Mary, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.”

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made mad passionate love.

Six hours later, John went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Mary agrees and again they make love.

Later, John is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Mary's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

John, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen John, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

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Permanent Erection

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something, which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses."

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Baby Elephant’s Trunk (Fruit Fun Al, Australia)

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

The guy asks him to explain the procedure.

The Doctor replies, “We take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.”

“That sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so go ahead.”

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner, while at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful statement on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

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Doctor’s funeral

A heart specialist doctor died and they're having his funeral.

The coffin was placed in front of a huge heart. When the priest finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, then the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

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Hair remover (MBlack, Southside Place, Texas)

A friend of mine discovered that her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a
month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

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Japanese diet

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks then the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

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Sunburn
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sun-bathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburn beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this is only a small village medical facility," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..."

The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra.

Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"

"Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs."

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Gynecology Conference  (Injun Joe, Fountain Hills, Arizona)

In the middle of an international gynecology conference, an English and a French gynecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.

French Gynecologist: "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."

English Gynecologist: "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big, my good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was."

French Gynecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavor."

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Bagel diet  (Sagging Tray George, Montana)
A young couple took their three-year-old son to Doctor Cohen. With some
hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.

"Gee, mommy," the boy exclaimed. "For me?"  "Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."

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Gynecologist's waiting room (Black Hat, Houston)

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.

The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her.

"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked.

"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting.

Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her.

"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"


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Dietitian's address

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

An 85-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding Cake."


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Sleeping with patients (Randy, Chicago)
John had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "John, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last.

"And you're single. Let it go..."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality ... "John, you're a veterinarian."

 

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Best She Could (Bill "Give me a cold six-pack to go Alvikhd" Mahoney; Houston)

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

 

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The Diet (Wackozacko, Austin, Texas)

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

 

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Randy Farm Couple

A young farmer is newly married and the couple can't get enough of it. Just before leaving the house for the fields at down they tear off a piece and when he returns home at evening they have another go before and after supper and maybe a couple more during the night. The problem is during the day: the fields are a long way from the house and the young man loses so much time traveling home and back again at noon that he decides to consult a friend (the town's doctor) about what to do.

"Easiest thing in the world, Homer," says the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin' just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time."

Homer tries this and it seems to work pretty good for a while. One day though the doctor stops by the house to pay a visit and he notices Homer sitting alone inside looking very morose.

"What's wrong?" he asks. "Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?"

"Oh, it worked!" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and do it after which Beckie'd go back home."

"So what's the problem?"

"Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie since the huntin' season got started!"

 

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Redneck Vasectomy (Injun Joe Kano, Fountain Hills, AZ)|
After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any
more children.  The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that  could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest fella in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
 "1"
 "2"
 "3"
 "4"
 "5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Kentucky, Tennessee Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia...... not to forget South Houston.

 

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Joe's Headaches
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches."

"The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see -- size 42 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see -- 34 sleeve and -- 16 and a half neck"

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see -- 10 and a half -- wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly as well. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . "

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see -- 7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and replied, "Sure . . "

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see -- size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

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Sex Therapy (A. Skipp, New Orleans)
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. Lynn told her friend that she is having some sexual problems with her boyfriend, Peter lately. Mary replied that she, too having the same problem.

"We're thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Lynn


"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed responded Mary, "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Lynn?" Mary asked.

"Things couldn't be better!"Lynn exclaimed, "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our
sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement, Mary decided to visit the same sex therapist too. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," He said.

"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Lynn and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help?"

"Well, OK." the doctor answered, "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a roll of Life Savers...."

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Actual Notations On Hospital Charts

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Erection Problems
A young man had been having chronic trouble in maintaining an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally broke down and went to the doctor. After a thorough examination the doctor informed the young man of her diagnosis. "Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The patient, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor replies, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. It's expensive. Would you like to try it?"

The young man thinks about it and finally declares, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

The doctor performs the operation and the patient recovers nicely. A few weeks later, the young man takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another of those large dinner rolls up my ass!"

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Friendly Nurse
A man went to the doctor because he had not been felling well for the last few months. Upon arriving at the doctor's office he was taken to an examination room by a very attractive nurse with amble bosoms and a beautiful smile. The nurse was very friendly and talkative as she carefully took down his symptoms and checked his vital signs. As the doctor entered the room, the nurse wished him well and kissed him on the forehead as she left the examination room. The doctor then proceeded to give the man a complete physical. At the completion of the physical the doctor informed the patient, "I have some good news for you and some bad news."

"Gee whiz Doc, tell me the bad news."

"You have no more than a week to live."

"Doctor, that's terrible, but what could the good news be?" replied the forlorn patient.

"Do you remember that attractive nurse with the big tits that was just in here?" asked the doctor. "I'm fucking her!"

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High-Tech Fatherhood
A mother-to-be is rushed to the hospital in labor with her first child. The doctor asks if they want to try an experimental high-tech device which transfers some of the pain of child birth from the mother to the father. They both say that's a great idea and agree to let the father share in the birthing experience in this unusual way. "OK, but I'm only going to give you 10 percent of the pain because even that's more than most men have ever experienced," The doctor explains to the husband. As the mother-to-be begins another series of labor pains, the husband says, "This doesn't hurt at all, crank it up a little Doc."

So the doctor pushes the machine to 20 percent . . . "Still nothin' Doc," the husband says, "Give me a little more." The doctor pushes it to 50 percent, 75, 90, and then 100 percent. The husband still claims to not feel a thing, while his wife is relieved of the labor pains. After the baby's born, the husband visits the new born in the nursery and then returns home. Upon arriving at his house he discovers the mailman dead on the front doorstep.

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Zachary Disease
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived at the doctors office she told him her symptoms. "Take off all your crothes, an you crawl real fass away from me across the froor." She did so and crawled to the other side of the room.

"Now...you crawl real fass back to me," Dr. Chang asked, and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "You haf real bad case of Zachary Disease ... worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem."

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor what Zachary Disease was. The doctor replied "Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY rike your ass!"

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Computerized Doctor
Joe had been experiencing severe pain in his elbow for several weeks; so he stopped by his doctor's office on his way home from work one evening to have it checked out. He met his physician as he was hurrying out the door of his office. "I'm sorry I can't see you until I return," the Doctor informed him. "I'm on my way to a medical convention in Boston and I'm about to miss my flight.

"If you want to check with my nurse, maybe she can help you."

Joe wondered in to the office and explained the problem to the nurse. "Well, Joe, I really can't help you, but you may wish to try the computerized doctor at the pharmacy," she advised him. Somewhat bewildered, Joe walked over to the local pharmacy and stopped at an ominous-looking machine with many of bells and whistles and a large funnel on the front. Following the instructions on the devise, Joe entered his name and address on the keyboard; inserted a $5 bill into the machine; and poured a urine sample into the funnel. The devise made several clicking and whirling noises, then a bell rang.

The monitor read: "Hello Joe. You have tennis elbow in your right arm. Please take the printout to the pharmacist and he will sell you a tube of cream that you are to apply 3-times-a-day to the affected area. Rest the affected arm for the next week."

Joe followed the instructions, and after a few days the pain in his elbow ceased. Intrigued by this devise, Joe decided to see what this technology would come up with if he entered a bogus sample. The next day Joe returned to the pharmacy with a urine sample from his wife and daughter, a stool sample from his dog and his own semen sample. After entering his personal information and depositing the money, he poured all four samples into the computer at once. As before, the computers CPU made several clicking and whirling noises, then the bell rang again.

This time the monitor read as follows: "Hello Joe. You are impotent and have been your entire life. Both of the females are pregnant. Your dog has worms, and if you do not quit masturbating, your tennis elbow will flare up again!"

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Urban Cowboy
A hard-drinking urban cowboy awoke in a strange motel room after a long night of partying at the local ice house. He could not remember how he got to this room nor who accompanied him. He slowly got out of the sack and made his way to the bathroom; his head throbbing. As he looked in the mirror, he noticed he had two rings around his penis: one red ring and the other ring being brown. He immediately panicked, thinking he had some strange venereal disease, and drove straight to his family doctor. The doctor listened to his story then carefully examined his penis.

"Well," the doctor told him after finishing his examination.

"I have some good news and some bad news."

"What's the good news Doc?"

"The red ring is nothing more than a cheap brand of lipstick."

"Whew!" the relieved cowboy shot back.

"But what's the bad news?" "The brown ring is Copenhagen!"

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Sexual Disorder
Once upon a time, there was a student in medical school who wanted to specialize in sexual disorders, so he made arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor showed him around the clinic, discussing cases and the facility, when the student saw a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asked.

"He suffers from Seminal Build-up Disorder," the doctor replied. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student took some notes on that, and they continued down the hall. As they turned the next corner, the student saw another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asked. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replied. "He just has a better health care plan."

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Sex Doc
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

... "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..."

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Hong Kong Dong

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results.

"Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?"

"Why, yes," replied the man.

"And did you have sex while over there?"

The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."

The doctor`s face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country. It's called `Hong Kong Dong.`"

The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?"

"Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation."

"An operation? What kind of operation?"

"We cut off your penis."

"Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?"

The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!"

The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment. He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it.

Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with Hong Kong's most eminent physician. After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room.

"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait.

"Yes."

"And is it really incurable?"

"Yes, there is no known cure."

The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears. "And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?"

At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter. "What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?"

As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!"

"I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed.

"Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by itself!"

 

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Longevity

An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 80-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 80-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 80 years old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive?"

"Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 126 years old, and next week he is getting married after 70 years of being a bachelor."

The doctor said, "After all those years of being a bachelor why on earth did your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

 

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Breast Fed (Trojan Sandy, Vaparaiso, Indiana)

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came"

 

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