JIM'S BAD POLITICS

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"Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything." -Joseph Stalin
 

last update: 20 August 02

Penn Coal Miners (Wayne in Syria)

A committee composed of Senators Daschle, Clinton, and Feinstein has announced
that the rescue of the Pennsylvania coal miners has been repealed, and the miners
will, by recommendation of the Committee, be placed back in the mine.

The Senators noted the following violations in the rescue process:

10. Heavy diesel equipment was moved to the rescue site without concern for
possible air pollution.

9. Water was pumped out of the mine without first determining if it was polluted,
or providing an environmentally safe catchment area for the water.

8. Numerous holes were drilled in the ground during the rescue, without first
performing an Environmental Impact study.

7. No effort was made to ensure racial, ethnic, and sexual diversity ofthe rescue
workers.

6. The Governor of Pennsylvania was heard to "Thank God" during a live television
broadcast of the rescue, violating the separation of church and state.

5. Several people at this public, government supported, rescue mentioned praying.


4. The trapped miners did not represent a diversified cross section of American
society.

3. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Hillary Clinton were not
given sufficient time to make speeches at the site.

2. The Senate was not given sufficient time to determine how many Republican
office holders owned stock in the coal company, thus being responsible for the
conspiracy that caused the mine to flood.

And Number 1: No one mentioned that Al Gore invented mine rescues.

"Once a diversified group of miners has been chosen and placed back into the
mine shaft, the holes will be sealed, the water will be returned to the mine,
and the rescue will then be undertaken again, in an environmentally and politically
correct manner", the Committee noted.

President George "Dubya" Bush denied comment on the situation. He referred all
questions to his senior energy advisor, fpormer Enron CEO Ken Lay.

 
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Dear Jerry Falwell, (Hugh “Baityard”  Kress, Houston)

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1.    When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2.    I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3.    I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4.    Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5.    I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6.    A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7.    Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8.    Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9.    I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10.           My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.  

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For Those Who Can't Understand The Enron Case
(Linda Pat the Mad Hungarian Nutritionist, Houston)

This is put in the simplest form so that every one can understand.

An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news: The mule died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK. Just unload the mule."

"What are you going to do with a dead mule?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?"

"I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." 

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Hijacking solution (Dr. Pam, Scottsdale, Arizona)

Dear Sirs;

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in the hope of seeing a naked woman.

We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales. Now why didn't Congress think of this?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton 

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If an Insect Falls in Your Cup of Coffee - what would you do? (Benzakri, Algeria)

Here is one analysis:

1.The Englishman: Throws the cup away and walks out of the cafe

2.The American: Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee

3.The Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the coffee away

4.The Besieged Palestinian: Drinks the coffee and the insect

5.The Israeli:

* Sells the coffee to the American and the insect to the Chinese

* Screams that his security is in peril

* Accuses the Palestinians of throwing the insect in his coffee

* Alleges that Hizbullah, the Syrians and the Iranians advocate attacks with weapons of mass insects

* Relates this vicious attack to Palestinian Terrorism, Attacks on Human Rights, Ani-Semitism, the Holocaust, the Diaspora, the Exodus, Discrimination against Noah's Ark

* Commands Arafat to immediately stop insects from flying in the air or landing in coffee cups

* Re-occupies the West Bank and Gaza, razes houses, cuts off water and electricity, humiliates and terrorizes civilians, kills or maims anyone in his way.

* Imposes more military aid on the American

* Demands a 100-year, billion-dollar, loan from America to buy another cup of coffee

* Claims life-time free coffee from the cafe as compensation  

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Clinton and the hooker

Every morning, Bill Clinton would take a jog near his home in NY State. And on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

Apprehensive, he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly about to follow.

"Fifty dollars! " she would shout from the curb.

"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between the ex-prez and the hooker continued for several days.

He'd run by. She'd holler, "Fifty dollars"

He'd yell back, "Five dollars! "

One day, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Bill suddenly realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer for all to hear (including Hillary) and he would have to come up with a very good explanation for his wife, the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Bill became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation. Sure enough there she was...standing where she always did. Bill tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the jogging executives.

Then from the sidewalk, she yelled to Bill: "See what you get for five bucks?"  

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Politically Correct Joke (Baityard Kress, Houston)

A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms.

The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group.

Of course, the first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!  

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Worst decision (Injun Joe, Fountain Hills Arizona)

Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States a famous biographer was going to write Bill's life story. During the course of his interview he asked Bill, "What was your best and your worst decision during the Presidency.”

Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, "Monica Lewinski! I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision.”

"How could that be, Bill?" asked the surprised biographer.

Bill smiled and then shook his head, "I'd have to say she was the both my best and my worst decision for the same reason."

"That's odd. What was the reason for that?" said the biographer.

Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth."  

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The Ever Evolving Math in the USA (Jim P., Karachi)

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? 
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2002:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010:

El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es...  

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The Meeting

General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was a classic; Schwartzkopf said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."  

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Enron Economics (Hugh "Boatyard" Kress, Houston)

Feudalism
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism
You have two cows.
You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

Enron
You have two cows.
You borrow 80% of the forward value of the two cows from your bank then buy another cow with 5% down and the rest financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap goes below $20B at a rate 2 times prime. You now sell three cows to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at a 2nd bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more and this transaction process is upheld by your independent auditor with no Balance Sheet implications; followed by a press release that announces that Enron as a major owner of cows will begin trading cows via the internet site at COW (cows on web).com


Is this a great country or what...

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Actual Headlines (or so they say)
Marijuana issue sent to a joint committee
Toronto Star headline

Gators to face Seminoles with Peters out
The Tallahassee Bugle

Married priests in Catholic Church a long time coming
The New Haven, Connecticut Register

Governor Chiles offers rare opportunity to goose hunters
The Tallahassee Democrat

Would she climb to the top of Mr. Everest again? Absolutely!
The Houston Chronicle

Governor’s penis busy [should be “Pen Is”]
The New Haven, Connecticut Register

Thanks to President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer now has a son
The Arkansas Plainsman

Clinton places Dickey in Gore’s hands
Bangor Maine News

Starr aghast at First Lady sex position
The Washington Times

Clinton stiff on withdrawal
The Bosnia Bugle

Long Island stiffens for Lili’s blow
Newsday

Organ Festival ends in smashing climax
San Antonio Rose

Petroleum jelly keeps idle tools rust-free
Chicago Daily News

Textron Inc. makes offer to Screw Company stockholders
The Miami Herald

Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women, up from almost none a year ago. Detroit News article

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Email from Bush to Bin Laden (Wes Woods, Houston)

From: G.W.Bush@WhiteHouse.GOV
To: O.B.Laden@Taliban.AF12
Date: Tue, 18 Sep 2001 01:35:49 EDT
Subject: Your Ears


Osama,
You are by this time well aware that we are about to seek justice for your deeds. I feel compelled to inform you that you are about to experience a ringing in your ears. But, do not worry as they will be nowhere near your head.
Sincerely,
George W. Bush
President, United States of America

[Note from Bad Jim: We know this is a fake Wes as there are no grammatical errors or Bushisms in this email.]

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Clinton is in the supermarket picking up some things for the house when a
stock boy accidentally knocks into him.

"Pardon me," the stock boy says.

"Sure," Clinton replies, "but it'll cost you."

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W visits the Queen (Bishop Wacko of Waterloo)

While visiting  England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your  brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you'd mind answering a question for me?"

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and
exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, Senator. It's Tony Blair."


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The Ballad of George W. Bush (Linda Pat, Houston)

(To the tune of Bob Dylan's "Like A Rolling Stone")

 

Once upon a time you drank fine wine,

Snorted up a line in your prime,

Didn't you?

Danced on a bar top nude,

Avoided Vietnam servitude

Didn't you?

You used to laugh about,

Getting out of trouble

thanks to Daddy's clout

But now you don't laugh so loud

And now you don't seem so proud

About having to explain your,

Cocaine deeeeeaaalllls

How does it feel? How does it feel?!

To have reporters looking at you

And even Steve Forbes too

Camera lens up your wazoo

It's like Bill Clinton II

So now you're the frontrunner and,

The GOP calls thinking that you've

Got it made

But there's a bunch of your old

Party buddies out there on the street

Better find them, babe

Now Bill Clinton is so amused,

Because coke is something he never used

Now the press we count the hours

Wondering if George has

a Gennifer Flowers

Hiding in the shadows with

A book deeeaaaaaallll!

How does it feel?

How does it feel?

TV crews outside your home

Investigators on the phone

Every mistake you've made is known

Like a Clinton clone

You say you haven't done any blow in 25 years,

But don't you know

If you ever have?

If not, why not just say so,

And tell the people who are wondering if

They've been had?

You used to be a trust fund kid

Never cared a damn,

about the stupid stuff you did

Now you're running out of alibis

And now there's no way to justify

You're vulnerable now,

and Al Gore's nipping

At your heeeeeeeels!

How does it feel? How does it feel?

You screwed it up by getting stoned

You're a rich kid who should stay home

If not for your money you'd be unknown

Your presidential hopes all blown

But in one sense you're not alone

You're a Bill Clinton clone."

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Post 2000 Presidential Election Bumper Stickers (Queen Anne, Baton Rouge, LA)
Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore... I Think
What popular vote?
-1% What Bush "won" by
I voted - Didn't matter
My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President
Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo
DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE........ LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT FOR YOU
Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting.
To you I'm a drunk driver; to my friends, I'm presidential material!
One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)
I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIS DADDY EITHER
IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL YOUR BROTHER COUNTS THE VOTES
The election can't be broken. We just fixed it.
George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had
The last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks wandered in the desert for 40 years
Campaign spending: $184,000,000.  Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless

 

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AIR FORCE 1 (Warren Hancock Houston)

In 1999, as Air Force 1 was about to land in Washington,DC, the pilot announced: "Mr. President, we're about to land. Please return your stewardess to her original, upright position."

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Riddle (Wackozacko; Southside Place, TX)
What is green, has four legs, and smells like pussy?
The pool table at the Clinton White House.

Clinton's Clock (England Man; Clearwater, FL)
Bill Clinton spots a pretty young intern in the hallway of the White House and tells her he would like to see her in the oval orifice, I mean Oval Office, at 4.00 PM to see his clock. At 4.00 PM the intern reports to the Oval Office and Bill is standing there with his cock sticking out.

The intern says, "I thought I was here to see your clock."

"This will be a clock as soon as you put your 2 hands and face on it," replies President Bill.