Bad Jim's Pub

last update: 15 October 02

 

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
He who has not been at a tavern knows not what a paradise it is.

 

QUICK WIT (Steve ďSparkyĒ Morgan, Texas)

How does a man show that he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

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The Drinker's Alphabet

Alcohol: The key to surviving college
Beer: It's what's for dinner
Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
Games: Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers
Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
IA: The Klan that really knows how to drink alcohol
Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying
Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know
Oh shit!: What you say as you're falling down the stairs.
Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer
Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning-YUCK!
Reform: What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet
Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
Twenty-four: The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town
Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello
Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelain god
X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it(detox)
Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
Zima: Zomething Different

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Government warning (Craig the IT Geek in Malaysia)

If the government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your panties anyway.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more

handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big biker guy named

"Big Al."

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with others without spitting.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

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The Buffalo

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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Why Beer Is Better Than Religion?

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

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Homerís Beer Song, from The Simpsons

DOW - the thing that buys the BEER

RAY - the man that sells the BEER

ME - the man that drinks the BEER

FAR - a long way to get BEER

SO - Iíll have another BEER

LA - Iíll have another BEER

TEA - no thanks Iím drinking BEER

And that will bring us back to BEER, BEER, BEER, BEER.

REPEAT until you get thrown out of where ever you are.

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Beer Convention

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town
in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies
decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a
Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors
orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much
to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you
order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

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Womanís personality test

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

DRINK: Beer
PERSONALITY: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
YOUR APPROACH: Challenge her to a game of pool.

DRINK: Blender Drinks
PERSONALITY: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
YOUR APPROACH: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

DRINK: Mixed Drinks
PERSONALITY: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
YOUR APPROACH: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

DRINK: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
PERSONALITY: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
YOUR APPROACH: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

DRINK: White Zin
PERSONALITY: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
YOUR APPROACH: Make her feel smarter than she is...

DRINK: Shots
PERSONALITY: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
YOUR APPROACH: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

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Top Ten Signs You Have Purchased a Bad Beer

10. TV Ads Begin "From the sparkling waters of Lake Erie. . ."

9. The second you take a sip, your liver explodes

8. For some reason, it's sold in the detergent aisle

7. It was actually brewed by Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams

6. Instead of a wagon pulled by Clydesdales, beer company has a wheelbarrow pushed by a doped-up monkey

5. The company isn't running any sort of sweepstakes, but the underside of the bottle caps all say "Sorry"

4. Tastes more like a mountain goat than a mountain stream

3. Picture on label is of a guy throwing up

2. Your girlfriend announces she's leaving you for Billy Dee Williams

1. When you crack a couple open on a fishing trip and say, "It doesn't get any better than this," your buddies kill themselves.

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A First

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

 

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Bar gator

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.

Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth! The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

 

BOOZERíS DICTIONARY, 2002
 
Beer Coat
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
 
Beer Compass
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
 
BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
 
BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".
 
DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM).  Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.
 
Mystery Bus
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
 
Mystery Taxi
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
 
NBR (No Beers Required)
Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub.  The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
 
NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
 
TART FUEL or BITCH PISS
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
 
TEN-Pinter
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
 
WYNONA RYDER
Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen".
 
X-Piles

Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

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OíMalleyís Disease (Trojan Sandy, Valporaiso, Indiana)

An Irishman named O' Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O' Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

To his son who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He told them that they were drinking to his impending end. He went on to tell his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Malley' s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!

O'Malley said, "I know.... but I don' t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

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Going to the Bar (Big Boy Al, Dallas)
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go into town, tease the barmaids and party with his old buddies,so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochy cooh...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer - brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar... you know... the frozen glass..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence when the wife interupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale,says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres poochie pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."

"You want some dirty words cutie pie?...Here, SIT THE FUCK DOWN - DRINK YOUR FUCKIN' BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKIN' MUG- EAT YOUR FUCKIN' SNACKS- YOU AREN'T GOING TO THE FUCKIN' BAR!!! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!?!"

 

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Tale of three beers ( Jim P., Karachi, Pakistan)
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into Clancy's local pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.  An hour later, the man has finished
the three beers and orders three more.  This happens yet again.

The next evening the man,  again, orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you
always order three beers?"  "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one  went to America, and the other to Australia.
We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours  them with a heavy heart.  This continues for the rest of the
evening: he orders only two beers.

The word flies around town.  Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.  The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around
here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you on the death of your brother.....You know-the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to  hear that my  two brothers are alive and well." It's just that I, myself, have
decided to give up drinking for Lent."

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Willie
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper.

The bartender says, "Hey, Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie?"

The pirate replies, "Aye! It's driving me nuts!"

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BEER TROUBLE SHOOTING FLOW CHART (B. Mahoney, Houston)

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to a dog, complain about her house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

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Beer Theory

I've heard a good number of very valid reasons for drinking beer, but the one that takes the cake is called the "Buffalo Theory." It originated here in the US and goes something like this:

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Now how can we argue with that!!!

 

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So you've been drinking again?

(Super Babe Pat, West University Place, Texas)

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he would crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe it would sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again, so he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

 

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Pint for Jesus (Fruit fun Toft, N. Vancouver, BC)

A Newfoundlander, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar.
There was only one other person in the bar--a man.

The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when, suddenly, the Irishman cried out, "I know who that man is. It's
Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, "Hey! Hey, you! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him, "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles "thank you" and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?"

Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Newfoundlander calls out, "Hey, you! D'ya figger you're Jesus, or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Newfie is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a bottle of Black Horse for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh! The arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone."

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove," he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Newfoundlander, who has a terrified look on his face. "Back off, buddy, I'm on Workers' Compensation!"

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The Best Norm Quotes from "Cheers"!
(M. Black, Southside, Place, TX)

What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em... pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

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