Jim's Bad Religion

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last update: 17 October 02

Damn good sermon (Dr Pam, Scottsdale, Arizona)

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the Preacher’s hand. "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damne fine sermon. Damned good!" he said.

"Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House," replied the Preacher.

The man answered, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

"No shit?"

 

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Traveling in Transylvania (Brown Ale Bob, Newcastle)

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through

Europe in their car.  They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the bonnet of the car and hisses through the windscreen.

"Quick, quick!" shrieks Sister Marilyn, "what should we do?"

"Turn the windscreen wipers on.  That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What'll we do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windscreen washer.  I filled it with Holy Water at the

Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the washer.  The tiny vampire screams as the

water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the

nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.  She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

 

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Church Bulletins (Larry P., Houston)

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:  "Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

9. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

10. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.

Music will follow.

18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is

Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

21. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

25. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.

26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

27. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.  All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.  The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

 29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.  Please use the back door.

30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the

Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

32. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

33. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

34. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

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Confessional  (Sagging Tray George, Denver)

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grand-children, and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three different times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of Catholic are you?

Man: I'm Jewish.

Priest: Why are you telling me this?

Man: I'm telling everybody......

 

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Queen Mum (Brown Ale Bob, Newcastle)

When Queen Mum arrived in heaven she met up with God and Princess Diana.

The Queen Mum asks God, "Why can't I have a halo like Diana?"

"That isn't a halo, it's a steering wheel!" God replied.

 

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The Priest’s Rooster (Biker Mike, Nova Scotia)

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory.

He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village. So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

 "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"

All the altar boys stood up.

 

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Miracle (Wackzacko, Austin, Texas)

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashed some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and ran into the rectory to
tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest said, "Son, you've just
witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water, Father."

 

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House of Prostitution (Biker Mike Stevens, Nova Scotia, Canada)

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a  second thought. Soon, he sees another sign that says:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. A nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?”, answers the door.

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, And tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers this door. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup,  then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED

BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS

SERVES YOU RIGHT!

 

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Born a Baptist (Terry “Welders have hotter rods” T, Alabama)

A Baptist man lived in a traditional Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics were driven crazy because, while they were morosely eating fish, the Baptist was outside barbecuing steaks.

The Catholics worked on the Baptist, attempting to convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after much pleading and some threats, the Catholics succeeded. They took the Baptist to a priest who sprinkled Holy Water on the man while saying, "Born a Baptist, Raised a Baptist, Now a Catholic!"

The Catholics were ecstatic but this was short-lived for, the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue once again drifted through the neighborhood.  The Catholics all rushed to the ex-Baptist's house to remind him of his new diet. 

They found him standing over the cooking steaks, sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish!"

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Gaining Faith (Biker Mike, Nova Scotia, Canada)

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is!"

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Schmuck (Dr. Pam, Scottsdale, Arizona)

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi what to do.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion, "Hire a good looking young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a white towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves the towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," says the rabbi to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets in bed with the wife and the husband starts waving the towel. The young man goes to work according to plan with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, top of her lungs screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "See, schmuck, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!!"

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Got nun?

A nun got into a cab and the driver was staring at her. She asked him why he
was staring at her and he said, "I want to ask you a question, but I don't
want to offend you."

"You can't offend me, not as old as I am and as long as I have been a nun . . . I have heard just about everything."

"Well I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

The Nun replied, "Well let's see what we can work out. 1) You have to be
single, and 2) You have to be Catholic."

The cab drive said, "Oh, I'm single and I am Catholic! ! !"

"O.K., pull in to the alley," and he did.

She blew him and when they were on the street again, the cab driver started
crying. The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

"Sister I have sinned, I lied, Iied . . . I'm married and I'm Jewish! ! !"

"That's okay. My name is Steve and I'm on my way to a Costume Party."

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Eating dogs (Queen Eddaline, Stafford, Texas)

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat.  One says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.  "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in  foil and hands them over the counter.  Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously,   "What part did you get?"

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The Exorcist (Injun Joe, Fountain Hills, Arizona)

They are remaking the movie 'The Exorcist'.

This time, the Devil comes to get the priest out of the boy!

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Sister Mary Katherine (Coonass Kim, Freeport, Texas)

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, the Priest called Sister Mary Katherine.  "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.”

 "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in  the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

 "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

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WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA? (Queen Anne, Baton Rouge)

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple; The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

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The Atheist and the bear  (Carmel Tart Eddaline, Stafford, Texas)

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.  "What majestic trees!  What powerful rivers!  What beautiful animals!," he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and to his utter horror saw a 7-ft grizzly charging towards him.  He ran as fast as he could up the path but as he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes.  He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.  His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground.  He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him and reaching for him, raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident.  And yet you expect me to help you out of this predicament?  Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask to be treated as a Believer now, but perhaps you might make the bear a Believer?"

"Very well," the voice said.

The light went out.

The river ran again.

And the sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear dropped to his knees; brought both his paws together; bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

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Mary Clancy (Bro. Randy, Chicago)

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. 

My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.

Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "Aye, That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun."

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Fat Theology (Carmel Tart Eddaline, Stafford, Texas)
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them."

And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.....

And Satan created HMOs..
 

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Men in two lines (Larry "Pussyhair" P., Houston, TX)

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I Want the men to make two lines.  One line for the
men that ruled their women on earth and the other line for the men that were
ruled by their women.

"Also, I want all the women to go with St.  Peter."

 

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men that ruled their women, there was only one man.

God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!

"Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
 

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Forgive (Big Boy Al , Dallas)

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Miz Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

"I don't have any."

"Miz Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?

]"Ninety-three."

"Miz Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy. I just outlived the sons of bitches."

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Excavating In Israel
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look again..... It now says:

"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"

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Confessional
A drunk man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

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The Seven Dwarves
The Seven Dwarves walk up to a nunnery and huddle outside the door to discuss something. Then Doc walks up to the door and knocks. The Mother Superior opens the door and Doc asks her if there are any 3-foot nuns in this nunnery. The mother superior looks at him funny and says that no, there are no 3-foot nuns here. Doc thanks her and goes back to the group and they huddle again making all sorts of whispering noises.

Happy walks up to the door and knocks jovially. Mother Superior opens the door and Happy asks if there are any 3-foot nuns in the country. Mother Superior wonders what is going on, but says that, no, there are no 3-foot nuns in the country. Happy thanks her and goes back to the group. Again they huddle for consultation.

Grumpy is sent up to the door. The Mother Superior opens the door and Grumpy asks her if there are any 3-foot nuns on the continent, and the Mother Superior, frustrated, says that NO, there are no 3-foot nuns on the continent. Grumpy growls a thank you and goes back to the group.

After a few minutes, they send Sleepy. He knocks on the door and the Mother Superior opens the door, sees Sleepy standing there, and yells AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS: "NO! THERE ARE NO 3-FOOT NUNS ON THE ENTIRE PLANET! NONE! THERE NEVER WERE AND NEVER WILL BE ANY 3-FOOT NUNS! EVER!" and slams the door. Sleepy yawns and goes back the group. He shakes his head.

The rest of the group turns to Dopey and starts chanting: "DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN, DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN..."

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A nun and a priest (Steve Moore, Houston)

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a makeshift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.

Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?" The priest began caressing the nun, and answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun quickly, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

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GOOD NEWS - BAD NEWS

BISHOP: "Your Holiness, I have good news and I have bad news."
POPE: "What's the good news?
BISHOP: "Jesus has returned to earth! He's on the phone and wants to speak with you."
POPE: "And the bad news?"
BISHOP: "He's calling from Salt Lake City!"

 

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Chief learns English (Bill Mahoney; Houston)

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

 

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Counting Pecans (Coonass Kim, Freeport, TX)

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down towards the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you and one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery

dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbles to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for, me."

The man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me, and one last one for you.

That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

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