JIM's BAD DAY IN SCHOOL
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05 Feb 02

 

New Japanese Student (Big Boy Al, Dallas)

It was the first day of school in Dallas and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," He said.

"Very good! Who said, Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth"?

Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed," and Suzuki said, "TheTaliban, 2001" !

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Report Card Humor (Dr Pam, Phoenix)

These are actual comments [yeah, right] made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
All teachers were [supposedly] reprimanded.

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

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Protest
(Andy Tucker, Atlanta)
Sick and tired of their history professor's lewd jokes and sexual innuendo, a group of girls decided that the nest time he uttered an inappropriate remark they would get up and leave in
protest. However, overhearing their plan and looking to score some points with the teacher, a fellow student informed him of their scheme.

The next day, after chatting about current events for a few minutes, the teacher suddenly smiled and, making a clever segue, said, "You know, I hear there's a shortage of whores in
Paris . . . "

Exchanging resolute looks, the girls rose as one and started to leave the room. Following them with innocent eyes, the professor said, "Girls, where are you going? The next plane doesn't leave until tonight."

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How Gullible Are We? (Jenny Moberg, Minneapolis)
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science related to environmental issues.

In his project, the young student urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:
1. cause excessive sweating.
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that dihydrogen monoxide was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

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Huh? (M.Black, Southside Place, TX)
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

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KNOWN COLLEGE FACTS (Lainie, Houston, Texas)

10) Bowling balls will bounce when dropped out of a ten story dorm window.
9) In reference to #10, know where the dorm/floor advisor lives on the first floor cause the bounce may not be straight up.
8) Rewiring the elevator buttons so that the 5 takes you to 3 and 3 takes you to 7 etc... is not popular with most students.
7) Farting in the cafeteria line as a way to critique the food is not politically correct.
6) Putting bottle rockets in the air vents will wake up and eventually evacuate the entire dorm floor.
5) Finishing any essay with the phrase "Bite Me" will not help you pass the course.
4) Putting Nair in a shampoo bottle in the community bathroom will not help you make friends.
3) Dropping your roommate's classes for him will only get you the beating of your life after Day 1.
2) Citing the movie "ET" as the basis for any Astronomy paper is not acceptable.
1) If you get drunk, don't ever strip in public. If you strip, don't climb any statues on campus. If you climb, don't pose for pictures in the campus paper. If the picture gets published, drop out.....

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Little Johnny in Class (Bill Mahoney, Houston)

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with our gun, how many would be left ?"


"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."


"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."


Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"


"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"


"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."

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Another day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him.
But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking.."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!

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Fastest Dad (M.Black, Southside Place, Texas)

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

 

Not to be out done the second one brags: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."

 

The third boy listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father works for the state. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"

The Moral of the Story

One day at the end of class Little Johnny's teacher asks the class go home and think of a story, to be concluded with the moral of that story.


The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My daddy owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."


When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."


Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."


Next up was Little Johnny. "My Uncle Burgess fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese


soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."


The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f_ck with Uncle Burgess when he's been drinking."

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Blackboard

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone
had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.


The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.


Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.


At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

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Well Known Proverbs (Al "Fruit Fun" Toft; Vancouver)

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

 

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You ... Mess It Up.

Better Be Safe Than ... Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The ... Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before ... Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of ... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But ... How?
Don't Bite The Hand That ... Looks Dirty.
No News Is ... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A ... Mister.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New ... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll ... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust ... Me.
The Pen Is Mightier Than The ... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is ... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's ... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who ... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is ... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's ... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What ... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And ... You Have To Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As ... Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not ... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed ... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You ... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind ... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like ... Aunt Eddie.

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FIRST DAY OF COLLEGE

Your first day of college! Through hard work and dedication, you've been accepted into the college of your dreams, and, boy, you can't wait to begin!

Not only will you be getting a first rate education, but you'll be exposed to new experiences and cultures, and make friends that will last you a lifetime, as well. You'll expand your mind, and your horizons, since that is what college is all about! Aah, the sky is bright blue, the air crisp as a MacIntosh apple, and the beautiful fall campus covered with brilliant ambers, golds, and vermillons. There'll be plenty of time to enjoy the splendors of the campus later, however.

Now you have to check into your room. Boy, are you excited! You unload your things, say good-bye to your parents, and head off to find your dorm. On your way, you run into a group of your future classmates, who offer you a BEER. What do you do?

If you continue on to your dorm, go to 1.
If you DRINK BEER, go to 2.

1. You find your residence hall, and are about start moving in your stuff, when you discover the entranceway to the dorm is locked. You don't have a key! Checking into your room is apparently harder than you'd thought it would be. What do you do?

If you ask for help, go to 3.
If you sit around, waiting for help, go to 4.
If you head for the housing office, go to 8.

2. You have chosen to DRINK BEER. Unless you played high school football, this is probably your first BEER, and, to be honest, you really don't see what is so great about it. Everybody else seems to be enjoying themselves, however, so you decide to play along for the time being. You're sure that you'll be able to avoid these kind of people once you've settled in. You're about to continue your search for your dorm, when someone offers you another BEER for the road. What do you do?

If you decline, and head for your room, go to 1.
If you DRINK BEER, go to 2.
If this is your seventh beer, go to 6.

3. You search desperately for some help, but no one seems to be available. You wonder if this overwhelming feeling of uncertainty is a common occurance in college life.

If you wait for help, go to 4.
If you return to the people who offered you BEER, go to 5.

4. You wait around for some help, but none arrives. You sit down next to your stuff. Hours pass. Boy, you're getting tired. Tired...

Go to 7.

5. Unfortunately, the group who first offered you BEER has left, no doubt resting up for tomorrow's classes. However, there just happens to be a similar group of people in the same spot, also drinking BEER. Lucky you. "Hey, guys," you say, "I'm having some trouble getting into my..." Suddenly, an open BEER is thurst into your hand. "DRINK UP, MAN!!!" Your pleas for help seem to be unheard, drowned out by the pounding bass of a nearby radio. What do you do?

If you DRINK BEER, go to 2.
If you go back to your residence hall and wait for some help, go to 4.
If you head to the housing office, go to 8.

6. You're beginning to feel a little whoozy, but, boy, you're having fun. College is GREAT! You've already made tons of friends, and all you had to do was DRINK BEER. You begin to howl in a pure bacchanal frenzy. "COLLEGE RULES!! AAAAOOOOO!!...."

Go to 7.

7. You wake up enshrouded in duct-tape, wedged between the boughs of a mighty oak tree. A thin layer of morning dew coats your body. OH NO!! You've slept through your morning classes, and on your first day of school! You haven't even checked into your room yet!!

If you head to the housing office, go to 8.
If you run to your next class, go to 9.

8. After searching the campus for about an hour, you stumble across the housing office in the back of the administration building. Three hours and fifteen minutes later, you are off to your dorm room, key in hand. Boy, I wonder what your roommate will be like. Hopefully he'll have some of the same classes as you. Who knows, maybe you can even study together! As you walk down the hall of your dorm room, country music permeates the air. It seems to be coming from your room. You're about to investigate, when a door opens, and a fellow student emerges, surrounded by a cloud of smoke. He says hello, and invites you in. What do you do?

If you decline and continue to your room, go to 10.
If you accept his invitation, go to 11.

9. Your first class is Astronomy 101, staple of all freshman science courses. Your professor is swarthy gentleman in a turban, and you have trouble understaning the lecture through his thick foreign accent. You're about to ask him to slow down, when you notice that none of your classmates have Astronomy texts. You check your schedule and discover you've gone to the wrong class. What do you do?

If you sit through the class to avoid embarrassment, go to 12.
If you discretely leave, go to 13.

10. When you reach your room, you discover that your roommate has already taken the best side of the room, generally arranging the furniture to his liking. Country music does indeed come from his stereo. Oh well, you only have to put up with it for the rest of the year. After a few minutes of talking, you discover that your roommate is going out for the football team and likes BEER. He offers you one (a BEER.) What do you do?

If you decline, go to 14.
If you DRINK BEER, go to 15.

11. You step into the fog, ready to make a new friend. Gee, this sure is funny-smelling smoke. It should be, it comes from an 11-foot long purple dragon! You're about to flee, when the dragon covers you in a burst of flame, melting the skin from your bones.. Remember, college is full of unfamiliar and dangerous things. Trust no one.

12. After about twenty minutes of the unintelligible lecture, you begin feeling drowsy. YAWN. If you can only make it another half hour, you're home free. YAWN. Just another half hour... OH NO! You've fallen asleep in class. You're professor is standing above you, condemning your laziness on the first day of class. You try to explain that this was not even your class, but he refuses to listen.

Go to 16.

13. You stand up, quickly walking behind the back of the class and towards the door. You hear a few cruel snickers. The people at college don't seem to be any kinder than those in high school. You almost through the door, when the professor stops you and tells you to meet with him after class.

Go to 16.

14. "What are you, some kind of FAGGOT? Everybody drinks BEER at college!" Your roommate must be having some problems adjusting to the college life. You understand how he feels. You're beginning to feel pretty nervous yourself.

If you go your classes, go to 9.
If you try calling your parents, go to 17.

15. You accept the BEER, quickly finishing it off. You're about to go to class when your roommate offers you another for the road. What do you do?

If you decline and go to class, go to 9.
If you DRINK BEER, go to 15.
If this is your eighth beer, go to 19.

16. "There is no excuse for your actions, especially when you consider today is the first day of classes. If you have problems with my lecturing, come in and talk to me about it privately." He begins to wink at you. What do you do?

If you apologize, and head to your next class, go to 20.
If you call the dean of students, pretending to be a high-priced lawyer, go to 21.

17. You dial your parents, but nobody is home. It doesn't look like you'll be finding any help there. You choke back tears in a futile attempt to salvage your hopes of college being the best years of your life.

If you decide to DRINK BEER after all, go to 15.
If you kill yourself, go to 18.

18. You join the ranks of thousands of college students who have decided to end it all. Congratulations...to your roommate. He gets a 4.0 this semester, and a room all to himself. Funny how college works.

19. Whoo! At first you didn't think you'd get along with your roommate very well, but now he seems to be a pretty cool guy. You're fitting right in at college. This is GREAT!! WHOOO.... You wake up on the floor, your head pounding. Strange whimpering sounds come from your roommate's jiggling bed. What do you do?

If you pretend to be asleep, go to 22.
If you see what's happening on your roommate's bed, go to 23.
If you crawl out in the hall and throw up, go to 24.

20. On your way to your next class, some strange people approach you, strange in that they are offering you pamphlets, not BEER! How odd. They seem to be trying to recruit you into some sort of club. What do you do?

If you see what this club is about, go to 25.
If you recognize these people as the Christian lunatics they are, go to 26.

21. Congratulations!! You've figured out the easiest way to get through college. The school settles with you out of court, awarding you $3,000,000 and the degree of your choice if you keep your sexual harassment case. Go directly to graduate school -- you've already learned all that college can teach you.

22. Strangely enough, the sounds end and only your roommate leaves the room. I wonder what he was doing? Oh well. You check the clock and discover it's melting. How surreal.

23. You stand up and see your roommate mounting a young co-ed. This must be what they call "making love." You'd like to hang out in your room for a while, but you feel kind of awkward with your roommate and his girlfriend in the room. You hope this sort of thing won't be happening all the time. You head out into the hallway, stepping into a shallow puddle of chunky grey-green liquid. It is vomit. Hmm, some sort of virus must be floating around campus. Oh well. You've heard about a shin-dig at one of the fraternal society houses. It sounds like fun, so you decide to go.

Go to 27.

24. After expelling the contents of your stomach across the residence-hall floor, you stand and find yourself face to face with one of your neighbors. "Hey, man, wanna go to a kegger?" You're not sure what a kegger is -- maybe some kind of British lawn game. Since you don't have much of anything else to do, you decide to go.

Go to 27.

25. You're still not quite sure what these people are all about, but they invite you on some sort of retreat. Since you're not doing much of anything else tonight, you decide to go.

Go to 28.

26. Congratulations!! Although some Christians are alright (i.e. the publishers of the Bob [kiss, kiss]), most are lunatics. You've successfully avoided their indoctrination techniques. You're about to go to class when it suddenly dawns on you: ATTENDANCE IS NOT MANDATORY IN COLLEGE. Instead, you decide to head for a party you've heard about being held at one of the local fraternity houses.

Go to 27.

27. You arrive at the party. Music is playing loudly. People seem to be performing some sort of Greek theatre. You're unfamiliar with the play, although, judging from the degree of audience participation, it definitely isn't Aristophanes' Lysistrata. In one corner, you see what appears to be a hot-tub. In another, a clump of high-spirited lovers of life. The clump is emitting smoke. And, in the the center of the room, occupying most of your field of view, is a large silver barrel, with very many people gathered around it. It all looks very interesting. What do you do?

If you go see what the hot-tubbers are up to, go to 29.
If you decide to investigate the source of the smoke instead, go to 30.
If you decide you'd rather check out the barrel, go to 31.

28. When you arrive at the retreat site, people are standing around, drinking what appears to be Kool-Aid. You are offered some. You drink it. It is poisoned. You're dead. REMEMBER: WHEN AT COLLEGE, ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES ARE YOUR ONLY SAFE BET.

29. You wander over to the hot-tub. You realize that the occupants have shed their authentic Greek garb. In fact, they are not clad at all! They ask if you care to join them. What do you do?

If you jump right in, go to 32.
If you decide that you'd rather go investigate the mysterious smoke, go to 30.
If you check out the barrel, go to 31.

30. You slip over to the clump of people where the smoke appears to be coming from. You soon realize that the smoke is coming from cigarettes. Yuck! You hate smokers! But, as you turn to leave, the odor becomes more friendly. You like this smoke. Hmm, you wonder if you could possibly try one of those funky little cigarettes. You are handed one and take a puff. Suddenly, things get scary. People around you start talking in fractions! "1/8th" seems to be the topic of the conversation. This is weird! You are very scared, so you decide to leave, before this concentrated sin gets a hold of you. Maybe those people over by the strange keg can help you.

Go to 31.

31. You reach the strange barrel, and see that it is the source of the cupfulls of BEER that everyone is holding. Someone hands you one. What do you do?

If you DRINK BEER, go to 33.
If you dump it on the floor, go to 34.

32. You jump right into the tub. Big mistake. The various bodily secretions floating around in the water contain enough agents of V.D. to kill Manhattan. You are infected with so many STDs, that doctors refuse to treat you. Having nothing else left, you eventually become a pussy cracked mass of scab. You die. Bummer, but then again, we warned you; COLLEGE IS DANGEROUS!

33. Woo Hoo! You have chosen to DRINK BEER!!! This is the real college experience! Drink and be merry, my college-loving friend! You slam a BEER with the skill of Michael Jordan! Yeah! This is SOOO GREAT! What do you do next?

If you DRINK BEER, go to 33.
If you down one last BEER, then stagger home, go to 35.
If you have had more than twelve BEERS, go to 36.

34. You have just made the worst mistake of your life. You hear someone in the crowd shout "Hey, that guy just DUMPED BEER on the FLOOR!!!!!! The crowd frenzies. Your feeble attempts to beg for mercy are ignored, as the crowd shreds you into a thousand bloody pieces.

35. You stagger home, open your door, and lie down on your bed. Just as you decide that the room is indeed spinning, a hot chick walks in. She says "Hi, pleased to meetcha. My name's..." She slumps to the floor, passed out cold. What do you do?

If you try to get her to her room, wherever it is, go to 37.
If you try to place her in your bed, so she can sleep and maybe feel better, go to 38.
If you let her lie there, while you try to sleep, go to 39.

36. Yes! You have consumed more than twelve BEERS! You wake up on the floor of the headquarters of the fraternal society. People are standing around you, saying stuff like, "Man, you are SO wasted! That stuff you did was wild!" A beautiful young lady catches your eye. You pass out.

Go to 43.

37. You bend over to grab the girl's arms so you can get her into the hallway. As you get a hold of her, she wakes up. She screams, "RAPE!!!!," and kicks you between the legs. You fall over, and as you are getting up, campus security officers appear at your door. They grab you and take you with them.

Go to 40.

38. As you are tucking the girl into your bed, she wakes up. She places her lips against yours, and you feel her stick your tongue into her mouth. It kind of tickles! What do you do?

If you let her keep doing what she is doing, go to 43.
If you run screaming from the room, go to 42.

39. You eventually go to sleep. When you wake up, the girl is no longer on your floor. You hear interesting noises coming from your roommate's bed. What do you do?

If you lie there and try to appear to be asleep, go to 41.
If you run screaming from the room, go to 42.

40. After being taken to jail, you are charged with sexual assault. In other words, date rape. It doesn't look good. You eventually get sent to prison and become the lover of a rather large man named Larry. Too bad; you lose.

41. The noises continue for three more hours. You begin to quiver uncontrollably. After two more hours of the strange noises, you freak out, and run screaming from the room.

Go to 42.

42. After running for more than half a mile, you realize that you are finally off the college campus. You collapse. College is obviously much more than you can handle. You never go back. Too bad, you lose.

43. You wake up with the attractive young lady in bed with you. You notice that neither of you are wearing clothes. She nuzzles your neck, and mumbles something about how great last night was. Suddenly, you realize; you have just GOTTEN LAID! CONGRATULATIONS! You have both GOTTEN LAID, and have done your fair share of DRINKING BEER! You are obviously cut out whatever challenges college can offer. Hooray! YOU WIN!

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These are ANSWERS to actual test questions compiled by Music Teachers:
(W. Hancock, Houston)

1.Refrain means don't do it.
2.A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
3. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
4. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
5. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he rote loud music. He took long walks in the forest, even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good.
6. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
7. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
8. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It's unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
9. An opera is a song of bigly size.
10. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.
11. When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
12. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
13. I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
14. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
15. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
16. My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
17. My favorite composer is Opus.
18. A tuba is much larger than its name.
19. You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.
20. Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.
21. A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
22. While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
23. The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
24. When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
25. Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
26. A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
27. Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
28. Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?    Answer: Yes.
29. The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.
30. For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
31. I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
32. The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
33. Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
34. The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is you are near the nose.
35. A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
36. Tubas are a bit too much.
37. Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
38. My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
39. It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
40. Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.